Saturday, December 21, 2019

white lotus, le voltiguer, and the best chicken in tokyo

Every Wednesday after school, my best friend Emma and I would drive downtown to the best Thai restaurant in Dayton, Ohio. My father preferred Thai9, watered down and adjusted fittingly for middle class white business men. Emma and I were White Lotus girls. White Lotus is a small, white tiled, bar seats-only little box. The owner is also the chef and she is her only employee. Emma and I were in love with her. She was in her 60's at the time and her eyes were just a few inches over the counter. She was incredibly mean and would kick people out if they didn't order quick enough. Emma  and I would always get a burger and pad thai and she would scold us for never being able to finish it all. One time we walked in and she sat at the bar, watching a soap opera, clipping her toe nails on the bar, and told us we had to wait till the episode was over before she would start cooking our food. One time, just as she had started cooking, a cop car went by and stopped just a block down with its sirens on. She turned the burners off and left the diner, locking the door as she left. She was gone for maybe 15 minutes and upon returning said, "Those stupid cops always pulling people over outside of my shop its annoying so I go tell them to stop doing it."


Emma and I found a dead rat in one of the potted plants at the bar. 

A lot of other customers complained about her funny yet usually time consuming antics. Emma and I didn't mind all the things she did because the food was always delicious, we found her genuinely entertaining, and once you started eating and she had no meals to cook, talking to her was always very pleasant. She grew to like us over time and would often times make us drinks on the house and would tell us stories about her friends in Thailand. The pad thai was good among many other dishes, but her cheeseburger was so simple and delicious. I miss her and her restaurant where I spent so many afternoons at. Beyond the food being good, I associate White Lotus with lots of laughter and joy. 

                                     

I've never been an adventurous eater on my own accord. If I'm presented with any food, I will likely eat it but I won't go hunting for it on my own. When traveling, choosing a place to eat for me is an incredible debate with myself. "Too expensive." "No one is in there." "Too crowded." "Too far." "What if there is a better place a block away." "I already ate there and shouldn't eat there again because I'm only here for so long but what if the place I go instead is really bad and I regret it." These are all thoughts I have while deciding on a restaurant in unfamiliar places. Paris was a personal hell because every brasserie is the same aside from the color of the chairs outside and the price of wine. I couldn't for the life of me choose between places to dine in Paris so I just stuck to one that I liked and stopped kicking myself for not trying other places. It was an hour away from the apartment I was staying at but I still went every morning and afternoon. I developed a relationship with a table outside that I felt attached to and was magically available even at the busiest hours. The waiters there grew to be more fond of me as my French improved. Upon returning from a two week excursion in Berlin, the sexy waiters gave me a croque-madame on the house which felt very triumphant compared to my other interactions with Parisians. The food there was okay, very mediocre and stereotypically French but there was just something about the place that resonated with me. In the many afternoons I had spent there, I sat next to Frances McDormand and watched her chain smoke and talk politely to excited pedestrians. I stopped by the cafe after an afternoon trip to Versailles and found myself sitting next to an old lover who I had met on the train in New York some 3 years prior. I ran into my friend Violet at that cafe and we spent 5 hours talking. There was a men's clothing store across the small street and one of the employees there would come outside from time-to-time and ask to borrow my lighter. He was handsome and cute but I only thought so because I was in Paris. This man otherwise would've gone unnoticed in other places. We developed a nice repertoire of borrowing cigarettes and lighters from each other and we seldom spoke to each other about anything other than, bonjour ca va? One morning I was walking in Montmartre and the man I barter with came running from behind me and playfully hit the back of my head. He got on the same train as me but in a different car and we sort of tango'd through multiple neighborhoods until we reached our obvious destinations; the cafe and clothing store. There was definitely something romantic between us but also something incestuous. My last day in Paris, I bid adieu to the cafe and ate escargot and had a glass of wine around noon. It was a beautiful morning and I remember feeling melancholy about something specific, but I am having a hard time remembering. 

Outside of Tokyo you can find the Miyazaki museum. It skirts a small forest with little shrines and paths all over. I stumbled blindly through the forest in the rain and reveled at how Miyazaki-esque the forest happened to look that day. When I finally came to a road, I went into a small tea shop with only two petite tables. I asked the woman working if she could point me in the direction of the popular museum. When I arrived at the museum, I waited in line for maybe an hour at most and when finally getting to the front, I was informed that since I am a tourist from out of the country, I had to make a reservation at least 90 days in advance online. They luckily have a Totoro statue outside for rejected guests like me to depressingly take photos with. The rain came down harder and I ran back into the tea shop that I had stopped in an hour before. The lady working sat me down and told me she was sorry for not warning me about the ticketing process for tourists. 
That evening, I went back to the apartment I was staying in which happened to be in a more residential area near Shibuya on the other side of the highway. There were hardly any places to eat near me and I was too tired to go all the way back to Shibuya for food. As I made my way to the 7/11 mart, I walked past an empty restaurant with a man and a woman sitting at the bar. I walked in and the two people got up enthusiastically with magnified smiles on their faces. I turned around and walked out before they could say anything. I browsed the food at the 7/11 and decided to go back to the small empty restaurant. I walked back in and the two people got up again and rekindled their smiles. They shook my hand and sat me down aggressively and began interviewing me and the foods I liked. The boy began putting an apron on and stepped behind the counter of raw meat and fish. They introduced themselves to me and asked me what kind of music I liked. I said Bjork and they put on Bjork. "Meetsika, please try everything." the girl said with a certain seriousness. The girl told me her brother was "the best chicken maker in Tokyo". The chicken was in fact incredible. It was salty and gingery with an almost fishy flavor. I could've eaten 100 of the little pieces of chicken over rice and pickles. Mind you, I didn't eat much chicken in Tokyo  but I will for the sake of it agree the girl. The chef, who I found out early on in my experience, was her brother. He made me all sorts of food and she made the drinks. I still to this day haven't been able to pinpoint what exactly I was eating but it mostly tasted good.
 An hour into my busy meal, a man covered in tattoos walked in, soaked from the rain. He looked at the brother, sister, and I as if we were dead and seemed to be in disbelief that there was a customer. He took off his coat and sat down right next to me and lightly nodded his head as his introduction. The 4 of us all sat at the bar eating different foods and drinking endlessly. The tattooed man seemed to be maybe the brother and sister's cousin and was very quiet and still. He would smile upon making eye contact but that was the peak of our interactions. I barely speak a lick of Japanese and they knew only basic English yet for some reason the girl was very insistent on the topic of politics. I maneuvered the conversation back towards more visual things. The brother pulled out a laptop and connected it to the speakers and asked me to show them my favorite music videos and they will show me theirs. We stayed up till 4 in the morning, drinking sake and wine and beer and eating ice cream and watching music videos. I left and never returned but I'm glad that it turned out that way. I'm glad I went in there instead of taking home the onigiri from 7/11 which mind you is also a great option when in Tokyo.

Wednesday, December 18, 2019

Looking for the horoscopes in the New York Post this morning, I came across a disturbing story of a woman who was killed when pieces of a building's facade fell and crushed her. It reminded me of all the thoughts I've been having lately regarding freak accidents and sudden death or injury. As I left the bodega, I heard "ACTION!" and Joaquin Phoenix went sprinting ahead of me and I noticed all these extras crossing the street. I must've been assumed to be an extra so I didn't look into the camera that was not far from me however tempting it may have been.

The past few days have been so uncomfortable and obstructive. Post-sickness is almost worse than just being sick in the moment. Refraining from certain foods while feeling slightly off, achey muscles, fatigue, and dizziness make for strange days. Slow and lazy, unamused, uninspired, uninterested, all the feelings that aren't debilitating but just enough to puncture through the body and make living feel like work. I didn't drink for some days and slept early. I followed that awful BRAT diet. I ate rice out of my rice cooker with saltines and ginger tea, fell asleep 5 times a day and had terrible acid reflux. Yesterday evening, I tried to drink but had a hard time swallowing. I had a single glass of white wine at my friend's birthday gathering then ordered another and could barely finish it. I went to bed scared I'd wake up sick again but I am feeling back to complete normalcy. No acid reflux, no drowsiness, no soreness, just normal.

Walking down the street right after sunset, I ran into some men that I know. They are sort of like older brothers, or, my older brother's friends, or, my best friend's older brothers. I'm not so sure where to place them but they make me feel very safe to be me but also in some ways criticize the things I do. They invited me into the restaurant they were standing outside of for a drink. I told them I wasn't drinking but I'd eat some food. I told them all about how I had started HRT and how I could feel the changes coming. Men always seem so enamored by the effect hormones have on me. Women usually just laugh and say things like "You're like me now!" or "Welcome to the club!". When I tell men that my skin is getting softer or that I won't go bald, they turn their heads like people in movies. The instant I start talking about growing breasts, its all eyes and ears and many many jokes. I seldom am offended by jokes and my own personal rule is that if I love you, it's very hard to offend me. So when my 'older brother-type figures' in my life crack jokes about my transition, I don't really mind at all. It actually makes me feel more human and accepted. It wouldn't be fair to be exempt from all the foolish humor just because I'm not privileged in some way. Insisting on immunity simply because you are this or that only highlights whatever 'this' or 'that'' may be. If I scolded every man in my life for the stupid jokes they make, I would have no men in my life and they wouldn't have me in theirs. The jokes and humorous questions said to me by the men in my life are rarely ever actually offensive, but if I put on my activist mask, everything they say would suddenly become hushed and beaten, and what's the fun in that? If someone says something questionably dumb or something that I know may be offensive to someone else, I will tell them in verbalized slapstick that what they said is stupid. Other people in the LGBT community have expressed that I don't use my Instagram well enough because the lack of social justice and queer activism is a waste of the large platform I have. 14,000 followers is a lot of people but who's to say that silence isn't activism? My image online has morphed into something less personal and more secretive. I try not to post anything too telling of my world. It consists primarily of selfies, screenshots, and photos of strange things. I wondered if it was true that I wasn't using my Instagram profile to its best potential. It wasn't until I received messages from people of all kinds who said that they admired my lack of an activist's presence that it came to me that maybe acting as if I was just your typical city girl, that the deserved freedom of being would speak for itself. Is a trans person simply being not activism? It's also not my life's work to explicitly educate the masses through a platform that is conducive to poor judgement. I have things to do, people!


Going to go buy some groceries and eat udon then hopefully go see Uncut Gems in the evening.

warmth, m.