pretending to sleep,,,

I heard an old man talking on the phone say, in a thick Jersey accent, "If you wanna read the most disturbing thing this week, go pick up NEW YORK MAGAZINE. Ya' know, at a bodega or somethin'!" I walked across the street and looked for it in a deli - I flipped through the pages and found nothing too scary. I still find myself wondering what article he was talking about! If you think you know, let me know. 

On the train back from Montreal on tuesday, my friend and I sat in the dining car for 6 hours. We were laughing a lot and being rather loud. There was an unattended 11 year old boy sitting behind me, playing videogames on an Ipad or something. He kept looking at us and I said to my friend that we were probably annoying him. The kid took off his large headphones and turned around to say, "YOU'RE NOT ANNOYING ME!" He then kept repeating himself. "Seriously, you're not annoying." "No, I don't CARE." 

My friend Ethan asked me if I ever pretend to sleep and I said no. He said he pretends to sleep when other people are milling about the room or apartment. I think I've probably done this only to avoid something. I do remember pretending to sleep one time when I was mad at a boy and I wanted to see how far he'd go believing I was asleep. He didn't try very long to "wake me up" but I was relieved he didn't get a smirk out of me. I'm usually very bad at acting. I forget why I was mad at him and why I thought pretending to be in a deep sleep at 4pm would solve anything. With the same boy, I fell asleep on his sofa watching a boring movie. I was genuinely asleep but I woke up as he carried me to bed. I pretended to sleep then, I think, but he could tell I had woken up. 

I don't know why I told Ethan I don't pretend to sleep but as I remember more and more occasions where I have pretended to sleep, I realize thatI do it quite often but usually in spite of someone. It sounds to me that his version of pretending to sleep is much more meditative and relaxing. That he just lies there to hear doors open and close, toilets flushing, sinks running, and the normal little noises of the morning. He says he even pretends to sleep when he's alone which is just weird to me. I couldn't give myself a reason to do this. I usually just wake up and don't acknowledge the bridge between asleep and awake that precisely. I wake up like people in antidepressant commercials. 

I decided to read fiction finally. I counted and read 24 nonfiction books in a row. Ethan had convinced me to buy Birds of America by Lorrie Moore.I've known her name since I was a kid. I can picture her books in my living room growing up or in the back of my mom's car. I read the first two stories and I don't know what to think. I'm just having a hard time reading fiction in general. 

I was walking home from the grocery store today when a skater boy I slept with rode his board in front of me, cutting me off. We walked and talked. He invited me for a beer but I declined because I wanted to make sandwiches with the meat I brought back from Montreal. I sat on my living room floor with my food and watched Home Alone 2 and texted the skater boy asking him to throw a beer into my window. He said I don't drink beer, which is true, but it sounded really really good with my salami and sour cream sandwich. 

-m