This week has been an incredibly difficult one. I'm going through a strange, undefinable thing with a best friend, taking space for the better of things. It feels like a breakup but even that feels like a bad title.

I wept all weekend and finally came out of the tears early monday morning. I listened to sad music and walked around the streets either on the verge of tears or already crying, happy to have a non-verbal agreement with strangers on the street to not interrupt my exposé. I even told a girl I bumped into on the street that I was going to go find some place to let out a thorough cry and she said, "You know, you really do have a weird face. But like, in a cool way. Ugh sorry, gonna go get a coffee, text me!"

Monday night, I went to go see Joanna Newsom perform in East Harlem. It was just what I needed as accidental therapy. I listened to her mostly in high school and junior high but this past summer I had become re-obsessed with her entire discography. I didn't think I'd get to go but an old coworker had an extra ticket and knew that I loved her so she offered me the open seat. The show was so powerful and beautiful that all it's power and beauty was ineffective till after the show ended. It wasn't till I was on the train going back home that I felt how wild it was.

Yesterday evening, I laid in my bed listening to skateboarders shriek and go by, a few last jingles of the ice cream truck's summer residency outside my apartment, and researched Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). It's something I read with hesitance and secrecy. I clutch my phone as if I'm watching violent porn even though its rather the opposite. I get overwhelmed with all the information and at the end of every medical webpage is usually a short message that makes me get all wet-eyed. If you are struggling and need help, there are plenty of people who support you and are here to help (555) 555-5555. I don't know why it makes me so sorrowful to read little messages like this from a faceless place but it simply does. It seems to only highlight the isolation that comes with these sort of conversations, alone in the afternoon, lying on my bed.

Last night, another friend of mine was going to Joanna Newsom and had extra tickets for me and one other person. I brought my friend Allegra at the last minute. I was happy to see her play two nights in a row. The show was a completely different setlist than the night before and it was even better. The songs were more personal for me this time. She played songs that I had a real heavy attachment to when I had moved to Hungary and spent a lot of time alone on trains and walking the streets. It didn't necessarily make me cry but it made me melancholy and cozy. At the end of the show, my friend who brought Allegra and I asked us if we wanted to go to the greenroom and have wine with Joanna and the crew. Of course I said yes! I don't really like meeting celebrities, especially musicians I have an emotional attachment to. I convinced myself to say yes because free wine sounded good, too. In the greenroom, there were two British girls in their late 20's or early 30's. They seemed to be merely fans having somehow been invited in. They were very sweet and pretty. I liked hearing them talk to Joanna as I was sitting across from them talking to Joanna's friends. I know that they didn't know her from before then because they introduced themselves and pulled out little pictures for her to sign. They stuck around the whole time I was there, talking to Joanna about how she writes her lyrics. I kept my distance from Joanna because I felt strange being back there, with her. I spoke minimally to her. I have listened to her every day pretty consistently now so it's a little uncomfortable for me to try and pretend I haven't drunkenly cried on my living room floor listening to a handful of her songs. When I left, I felt I should say bye and thank you to her. When I went up to her, she took a small step back and said I was pretty or something. I don't remember what word she used but it warmed my heart. After 4 consecutive days of misery and sadness, it's nice to hear a simple thing like that from someone you admire on a certain kind of level.

I saw two movies in one day last week. I liked them both.

I am going to Michigan tomorrow morning for a funeral. I'm rather excited to get out of the city and be in the early autumnal nature. I will try to write a lot.
On a brighter side, I am applying for a new job tomorrow. I'm excited for something new to happen to me.