JOURNAL TRANSCRIPTION
Friday November 10th 2017
Wednesday evening, Alex Mackin Dolan had an opening at David Lewis Gallery on Eldridge. I had an urge that Reilly should be there. I was sick of the silence he had "given" me so I went. I wore a navy knee-length wool A-line skirt with a black turtleneck and a green Prada sweater. As I walked up, I made second guesses and then came to senses and went up. Of course, he was the first person I saw coming out of the elevator. He wore my trench coat and some hideous ironic pink hat made of fake mohair. Distressed, I walked right by talking surfacely with familiar faces.
J*** L***, the town gossip, came to me however with some incredible tea. D**** M**** of V****** stabbed Will in his sleep at a coke dealer's upstate birthday weekend. D**** wasn't at the CFDA awards, which he was nominated to win $400,000 towards his brand. I think.
Anywho, as I was leaving, I was sure he had left but then I bumped into him and on his face was a silly little grin. I jumped the bridge and asked him why he's been playing mute. He said he was mad at me for "ending his future relationship with Rachel." I said sorry but now I am not sorry. Just to tell this saga clearly, I will write it in a timeline.
- I get back from Tokyo. That same night Rachel and Reilly go on their first date. (Her and Johnny have only been separated for about 3 weeks.)
- I tell Johnny that night at Dimes. He gets very upset with me and tells Rachel about my fat mouth. She claims it wasn't a date. (Lie.)
- I see Reilly 2 days later and he tells me that Rachel hasn't spoken to him in a few days. I back her up and remind him that she's going through a lot and that her and Johnny had recently hung out.
- Reilly gets mad at me and stops speaking to me all together. Rachel tells Reilly she can't see him anymore because she doesn't like how fat my mouth is....
- 10 days later I see Reilly for the first time. He tells me what Rachel said.
- That same night I see Johnny and he says that him and Rachel are hanging out A LOT.
Ethan hasn't necessarily come around romantically. I probably need some space from him only to figure out if its my typical fashion - my normal state - taking form again. A boy-crazed distracted, emotional mess - utilizing a boy as a box to store my fears in. I've learned recently that space is cool. I finally understand what everyone is whispering about.
I've been worried about my career that has yet to begin. However I ran int this girl named Stella Greenspan. She's tall with black curly hair and a thick Swiss accent. She's as bubbly as a carwash and literally jumps with excitement at the site of anyone or anything. It was nice and cold out, dark and windy. We walked a few blocks together and I told her some of my stories from Tokyo. She gave me great advice. I don't remember what she said but when she was my age she wishes she hadn't been so consumed about what important real work really meant. She told me to be patient and humbled that the universe will bring me exactly what I need. That's also coming from someone who was Grace Coddington's first-hand assistant. However, I appreciate that advice and have often reminded myself of it since.
I think I've truly lost my lust for fame and really want to focus on getting involved in small rooms. Today I went up to Dashwood. Miwa was working. She had just finished editing this book on Araki color correction prints. As humble as possible, I enquired about working for her. She said no. I'm not too sad about it, though something good for me soon should arrive I am certain.
this morning I woke around 9am. I got a coffee and smoked a cigarette. I then got a coffee for my boss, Sabrina. I went to her apartment on Henry street and sifted through some clothes she was ridding of. When I arrived she was talking on the phone with her accountant. She showed me to her room and I picked out a few things. Prada, Miu Miu, Jil Sander. My favorites!
I hope I can go on vacation come spring time. I didn't get the Apple commercial which would have funded it. But Bella got it and to be honest I am jealous.
I'm honestly so surprised I haven't died yet. For example, I sat on the edge of a building wasted and sad this summer, considering jumping off. I ran across the bowery without looking while on Molly for the first time. I one time rode a bus full of Neo-nazis in Hungary when I was 16, I also lived in an apartment for two weeks with a gas leak. I've been thinking about death a lot lately and it's just as entertaining as it is debilitating. I really don't believe the old Canadian Proverb, "Live every day like its your last." If you live like that you'll drive yourself straight to the mental ward at Riker's Island! Can't believe that people would choose to be so anxious. Sorry, just thinking out my ass.
After I went to Sabrina's this morning, I walked to SoHo to buy a copy of the print edition of W Magazine with Björk on the cover. It was selling out everywhere as it is an investment towards the future, especially when printed entertainment is an artifact. There were 4 remaining copies and I bought 2 of them. One for me and one for Novy. I'll give it to them when I go home for Thanksgiving.
I should probably head back downtown or something and do something exciting like sit in the park or go to a movie. Maybe I'll start that painting I've been lying about to everyone. Speaking of which, I've noticed I've been lying a lot less. Its nice. Much less stressful. I don't know why I've lied so much in my life. Well, obviously insecurity and fear and wanting to impress others. I hope one day I never lie again. I have no integrity. I want to a rich and fruitful life filled with patience and honesty.
