on keeping a blog

I've never really written for an audience outside of academic purposes and I am surprised at how difficult it is. With my journal, I've noticed that my writing is much better because the notion of prefacing any sort of event or relationship isn't necessary; the writing speaks for itself.

My internal narration has changed drastically since starting a blog. When I narrate, I am not actively producing work in my head or pulling for ideas of things to write about. It's always after the thought that I would consider it something I may write. The words come much easier and are concise. There is no second guessing or time to edit your own thoughts. But now I catch myself narrating for an audience. It's most frustrating because the best sentences come and then disappear before I can document it. A week ago, I would have been surprised to hear if someone changed their inner dialogue because one word sounded better than the other. Now, I am catching myself doing just that. If you are editing your thoughts then you are likely digging for something to say and I really don't enjoy digging.

When I write in my journal, I am in fact digging for material because there has to be a forethought that is directing me to write whatever it is I am writing about that day. My journal writing isn't abstract or intellectual, I'm simply retelling things that happened to me and then usually following with my internal reaction to the thing I just wrote about. I write stories for myself and I honestly don't know why. The only possible reason I can imagine is because it helps me see whats really going on around me. It's rare that I look back at my journals and come across anything anyone other than myself would find profound.

Writing for an audience is mostly strange for me because I'm hearing a new voice I'm not all that familiar with. I'm shaking hands with a voice that has only shown itself on the periphery. It's much more juvenile sounding than the poised and speedy flow of my journal writing. I recently tapped into some journal writing to see if I could catch my voice again but it's nearly impossible because of the aforementioned problem of prefacing and context. My biggest obstacle at the moment is getting over the fear of regret and the already apparent presence of embarrassment. There is no embarrassment with journal writing unless someone finds it and reads it without your consent - but in that case, shame on them! As with a blog, maybe shame on me.